As a full-service sex worker (erotic labourer is a term I prefer, thanks to the ever-educating Suprihmbé, but sex worker is still the more widely used term) I often ponder about the meaning of the words “sex” and “intimacy”. There’s always been a whorearchy in place in this industry: whoever manages to work around sex but avoid PiV activities is higher on the hierarchy, and those of us who partake in activities that implicate genital contact are lower in it. This is, obviously, a very tricky subject.
I have varying degrees of sexual contact with my clients because different people, experiences, sessions and activities require different approaches. I offer both Domination as well as Girlfriend Experience services, which means that kink, pain and subjugation are always present in different degrees as well. And let me tell you: they’re not exclusive. There’s no less “sex” (we should really try and define what sex is and isn’t, shouldn’t we?) in the Domination sessions than there is in the GFE dates. Sex and BDSM are not mutually exclusive, at least in my practice. I couldn’t imagine offering one without the other (which is, obviously, a personal preference – don’t go asking other Dominas to do things they don’t advertise or feel comfortable doing, you twats).
Before we continue, let me make one thing clear: genital contact doesn’t equal intimacy.
There’s intimacy in many gestures and activities. In my honest opinion, few things are more intimate than a proper OTK spanking session. Sex can come in many forms and shapes, and so can intimacy. I have a very hard time telling certain sexual activities (such as caressing, biting, striking or licking) from intimate activities, for they share an indissoluble bond in my mind. Riding a phallic appendix, however, has never been a consistently intimate experience for me – as much as I enjoy it.
Sex and BDSM (and power and magic) are also two things I have a hard time telling apart. Intimacy is woven through all of them, though. In my experience and in my understanding of the world, they all make a net that surrounds us all. While I love having no restrictions between “sex” and BDSM when it comes to exploring this net, I obviously understand why other Dominas would choose to keep both things separate. We all deserve our choices to be respected, after all.
BDSM can be a deeply intimate experience.
BDSM, in my opinion, should be a deeply intimate experience. The feeling of intimacy doesn’t happen in your genitals any more than other feelings do. Intimacy, like BDSM and sex, happens mostly in your mind. Your internal dialogue, your internal struggle, the feelings of arousal and fear: that’s what makes BDSM intimacy so fantastic. None of those feelings grow from your groin or your loins. Seeing your Domina naked is not a pre-requisite for intimacy. Having sex with your Domina is not a pre-requisite for intimacy. Having the enormous privilege of sexually pleasing your Domina is not a pre-requisite for intimacy.
So why do I choose to -sometimes- have sex with my subs? Well. Because I want to. Because I don’t like feeling restricted, and because my particular kind of magic works best when I’m -maybe- fucking you. I love sex, I love how powerful I feel when I’m riding someone else and I love to have orgasms against other people’s body parts. Being a Dominant Woman means that I should please, first and foremost, myself. I do what pleases me whenever it pleases me, and I don’t think fucking people has ever diminished my power. If I want to drain you from your energy, I can do that fucking you, hitting you or making you do jumping jacks. I’ll choose the method that suits me best.